In his hour-long political commercial tonight, Bush the Younger will attempt to stammer over rhetoric that Rove and company have tried to impress on his feeble brain. (Don’t you love it when he tries to pronounce new words?)

The State of the Union is the perfect time to unveil a grand, thus far heavily guarded secret.

(Drum roll)

This coming fall, only weeks before the election, George W. Bush will experience something many of you, dear readers, have been going through lately — his (second) Saturn Return! The trouble should start brewing around August 20th, and on October 1st, 2004, his Saturn Return will be exact, in his 12th house of secrets and lies. If American world domination and the merging of God and state are not your bag, take heart. The last time Saturn was in Cancer, we had Watergate. Expect a scandal. CIA leak, 9/11 papers, Paul O’ Neil…It’s a real grab bag. (We’re taking bets. Email your guesses to info@saturnreturn.net.)

So, whoever turns out to be the Democratic front runner after last night’s debacle can relax a wee bit. Although extensive research has not yet been completed, initial investigations reveal that Georgie was busy getting arrested for drunk driving when he was thirty. Not exactly exhibiting mature, adult Saturn Return Survivor behavior. And you gotta get it right the first time, or the second one sucks. Big time. Why do you think we wrote this book in the first place?

I think it’s time to vote him off the island, don’t you?