So those crazy kids went off and got hitched this past weekend in a remote Italian village. Despite her Georgio Armani-designed gown, Katie Holmes looked like a deer caught in headlights in all of the paparazzi images taken before and after the Scientology ceremony. Her Sagittarian optimism is no match for the strangeness to come. As Saturn conjoined her moon and crossed her Leo ascendant over the past few months, Kiss Me Too Long Katie has gone through a major restructuring of her self-image. Ms. Dawson’s Creek has no idea who she is anymore. Honeymoons in the Maldives are nice, but can’t undo the fact that you’ve just married a gay alien two inches shorter than you. And putting a toupee on your baby ain’t gonna cover up the fact that the world knows you didn’t actually sleep with the “man” you now call your “husband”.

Katie’s Saturn Return officially begins next summer. Let’s hope her people planned well for her, because the lawyers should be popping the cherrry on the pre-nup by late 2007. Saturn loves you, Katie, and if you heed the Cosmic Taskmaster well during your Saturn Return, karma won’t come around to kick you again in thirty years. We’ve got our fingers crossed that you’ll get out alive.